Finally solved it: Coder error.
I had another embed way down in my templates that was conflicting with my past few day’s code. It was added by a peer and I forgot it existed until I went through the list of embeds.
I started from scratch again, rebuilt my queries (slowly) and finally got everything to fire off correctly. I even saved some memory when I fixed everything.
No issues besides the coder. Please close this post. I’m elated.